Drunk Auntie Is Fun Just Ask Judge Judy!
Arrived at hotel (the GettoWay aka the Getaway) in Puerto Vallarta at around 10:00pm. I Showered and dressed then went down stairs for some drinks at the bar. The second person I walked by says “Auntie!”. Yes, it is a friend (A.) from Toronto I didn’t even know would be there. (BTW A. would have Mme. Rouge all hot and bothered.) I introduced him to my friends and we started drinkin’. We went out soon after for more drinks and I proceeded to get really drunk. Mostly because I didn’t eat much and I was super tired. Being really drunk didn’t stop me. A. and I stayed out until around 3ish long after everyone else from my group departed. I nearly feel asleep by the pool that night but A. made sure I got back to my room.The next night after dinner I was too tired to do anything and I lasted until around midnight and went home with everyone. We left A. to go out and enjoy his last night in Mexico. Nothing spectacular happened on Sunday. Just a trip to the beach in old Vallarta and the usual drinking. I did have a yummy chocolate martini at an old man piano bar called Garbo’s. But Monday now there’s a story…
The day started out at the hotel pool then spent the rest of the afternoon shopping. At about 5:00pm we decided to go to the Cheeky Monkey to drink and watch the sun set. Thank god for that I was really hot and needed some shade. I got myself something to eat and lots of drinks (if you’re there get a drink called a Kiss it’s yumsytown). After that we headed to our favorite bar (Apache) and had more drinks. We all decided to skip the whole go home for a rest thing and stayed out for the rest of the night. From what I understand I was quite the spectacle. Here are some highlights that I remember...
-Calling some old guy from Minneapolis Judge Judy and asking him if he knew Brenda and Brandon (from 90210).
-Sucking back Tequila shots and Tequila based drinks.
-Asking the waiter if the tatoo of a spider's web between his index finger and his thumb meant that he killed someone. Then followed up by saing he didn't have one on his other hand so he could kill just one more person.
-Saying to a table full of strangers “If I was to do anyone at this table it would be you because you’re not yappy like the rest of them” then pointing at one of ‘em.
-I played my new favorite game a lot. It’s like Duck, Duck Goose but it’s called SKANK, SKANK, GOOSE. The game is just me tapping groups of people on the head and calling them “Skank” and then tapping myself on the head and saying “Goose” ‘cause I ain’t no skank! It’s fun.
-We crashed a party for some group of guys called the Chicago Boys. They seemed like nice guys and the drinks were free. I did make one of ‘em get me drinks when the bartended left by saying “Hey Mark! How ‘bout you fix me up with some drinks.” And he did. Yaaay!
-Everybody put their name tabs on my bum (dirty birdys) and I didn't get them all off :( Salem wanted me to walk around with them still there so he played the game of don't tell him they're there but my NICE friend Kimche told be they were still there and I got them off.
-I think we went to Mañana after that (I think) and met lots of fun people there too. That’s all I’m sayin’ about that.
Tuesday night everyone stayed in ‘cept for me. I went out for awhile but I was sad and lonely without my friends so I went home at around 1:00 or 2:00. Wednesday was a bit much. As I walked down the street with my friends some one passing by taps me on the back and says “Hi Auntie”. Then a couple of minutes later someone else waves. This continues all day and night. We realize that it’s due to my drunken performance two days ago. Even the waiters/bartenders remember my performance. All I know is that drunk Auntie must be the best thing since sliced bread because even Thursday when we went back to the beach I was still getting hellos from people I really didn’t remember. I soooooo want to go on vacation with drunk Auntie!
posted by your judgemental aunt at 2:11 PM
9 Comments:
I love drunk Auntie.
The spider tattoo story is a riot.
Whatever. Your bum's name is Fred.
you werent that fun in Indy.
WHO IS "A" ? I demand an answer.
Eat lightly for two days before you're gonna play, and nothing but liquids on the day you're gonna play, if you know ahead of time. Not a bad prep for the weekend, in any case. No red meat, fatty foods, junk foods, etc. A juice fast on the third day will make cleaning out a LOT easier (fresh-squeezed veggie and fruit juice diluted with bottled water).
Don't wait until the last minute to do your clean-out. I like to do it, and then take a nap before I go out ... gives the gut time to settle and and expel or absorb any water that didn't come out. Nothing more embarrassing than having to take a wet dump at the bar!
Shower shots may be fun, but they're not very efficient ... what you need is a large volume of warm water running lowly ... one of those 5-gallon camping shower bags works great ... you only have to fill it once, but be sure it's hung securely ... five gallons of water is HEAVY.
Go for depth the first time, before the bowel has a chance to begin peristaltic action ... grit your teeth, take a hit of popper, pant, do whatever is necessary, but get at least two quarts in the first go-round. I find I can take more water standing up with knees flexed; others may prefer doggie style or on their back in the bathtub.
After that, sit on the can and just let the water run in and out ... hold it till it feels uncomfortable, then let go.
If you can take three successive 2-quart "hits" and have them come out clean, you're probably cleaned out up to your NECK.
If you're in a hurry, you can use the Fleet's "Phospho-soda buffered oral saline laxative" ... take the dosage for "purgative", and be prepared to shit your brains out. Not a good idea to use this more than once or twice a month in a real emergency situation (i.e. where you don't have time to reduce food intake and spend an hour or two on the hose).
Adding a teaspoon of baking soda per quart to the water cuts down on the amount of water the colon absorbs, so you don't piss as much.
Both extensive enemas and the Fleet preparation do a number on your electrolytes ... it's a good idea to drink Gatorade or another sports drink while you're playing, or afterward, to restore the balance.
You CAN use Dr. Bronner's Castile soap to clean out with ... makes everything smell better; but only put a couple of DROPS per quart. Stronger solutions WILL burn your asshole. The peppermint flavor is my favorite. Use it (or any other soap ... Ivory FLAKES [NOT liquid] is about the only one that won't fuck up your colon) ONLY for the FIRST enema, followed by plenty of plain water ones, so that the soap isn't absorbed into your colon.
Water temperature - anything from 98.6F to as hot as you can comfortably put your hand in. Hotter will get the job done faster; cold (below 98.6) causes more cramps, if that's your thing. I like to start hot and switch to cold.
NEVER, EVER EVER attach an enema nozzle to anything but a gravity bag. If you should happen to have a surge on the shower shot, your intestine will blow before the retention balloon. Also, never use anything but water-soluble lube with a retention nozzle... they are expensive, they're made of latex, and they will dissolve if they come into contact with Crisco, etc. I put a rubber over mine and put a small hole in the nozzle end, just to be sure. And that includes using a retention nozzle after you've played when your ass is full of Crisco. Retention nozzles (for the truly twisted) are available at www.enematoys.com ... they come in single and double (single has a balloon that goes up your ass and inflates; double has an additional one on the outside that's supposed to act as an additional seal, but I've never been able to tell the difference). They aren't cheap ... wash and dry them well, and powder them with baby powder before you put them away.
My gawd, Butchie.
Shouldn't you be making a cake or something for the wife and offspring for this lovely day of love instead of typing a thesis over here?
Happy Heart-On Day!
If Timmy hadn't broken his leg, you could have ridden him all night. Sorry.
I liked skank, skank, goose and the judge judy story.
Sounds fun. Is Apache what was once Paco Paco?
No. Paco's still there.
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