MY OLD FRIEND

As I was cleaning my condo on Sunday (Yes, Mme. Rouge I do clean. I’m just not good at it.) I found something….It was right between my couch and my shelving unit….it looked oh so lonely and sad…there it was…my long lost friend. A package of Vantage 5 cigarettes.

Yes, I know I should have thrown them out. I prayed there were none in the package but wished there were. Well my wish came true…there they were three sweet, caring, king size cigarettes. I put them on the coffee table and told myself all the reasons why I shouldn’t smoke ‘em. There were a lot of good reasons to not do it but there was one reason why I should spend some time with at least one of my long lost friends….BECAUSE I REALLY FUCKING WANTED ONE.

I went out onto my balcony more nervous than a hooker in church and tried my best to light it. However the wind was making it difficult. Just when I was about to give up, ready to give into my guilt the wind died down and I sparked that pleasure stick up. The guilt was gone and I thought to myself how great this is gonna be. I took my first drag…My first thought was "Oh my dear lord this is gross!". It tasted like I ass but I knew I would feel the smooth comforting wave ripple over my body as I had many times before from the first puff. I waited for about 30 seconds after exhaling and no wave of relief. However my mouth did feel like a garbage bin. The drag off that ciggy didn’t satisfy any cravings unless I was craving the feeling of failure….which I wasn’t! It was just plain nasty. So with that I had no other choice. That’s right…I took a second drag. OMG it was just as gross as the first time and still no feeling of the relaxation I had come to expect. So at this point I was happy to put it out.

I guess I’m kinda glad I smoked since it provided me with absolutely no relief, and I didn’t like it at all. I really thought it would feel sooooooo good but I didn't. I suppose it will make it easier to keep on quitting.

Well it was my time of the month this past weekend. No, not the one where my Aunt Flo visits. Aunt Flo (AKA the rust coloured torrent of life) only visits chicks. Thank god for that because as Margaret Cho says if guys had periods their apartments would look like a crime scene. The time of month I’m talking about is Grapefruit. On the second Friday of every month in Toronto there’s a great party with music from the 80s and 90s, with shows, 3 or 4 DJs, blinking lights and booze! Yaaayyyy!

I had invited a friend of mine over and before long between her and me we had invited enough people over for a little party. With a little help from a couple bottles of wine, a couple beers, some vodka and some suntan in a glass (Malibu Coconut Rum) we all had fun. I decided since my friend Brad drinks Stella he is now known as a “STELLA FELLA”. We all got just drunk enough before heading out for more at Grapefruit. We did however lose Jason on the way…I guess he saw a reflection of himself on the walk to the bar and decided he was too fat. Maybe next month? An attempt was not made to have Mme. Rouge go because as I remember LUB was too much for her a couple of weekends ago so I really don'y expect her to even walk by Fly let alone go in.

Fun was had by all (except for the girl that puked up the tequila I bought for everyone at last call).