DIRTY BANANA

I know it's long and only slightly entertaining so don't bother telling me that you didn't read it, or that it was boring, etc. Just Fack Off instead, OK?

First off I did not get a direct flight. I connected in MIA which gave me a chance to smoke and I was able to pre clear US customs in Toronto so I was somewhat OK with not getting a direct flight. My arrival gate in MIA was on one side of the airport and the departure gate was on the other. Needless to say it was quite a walk and there airport was under some major construction so there were no moving side walks for lazy people like me to ride.

When my friend and I arrived in MBJ it turns out we didn’t fill out our forms properly and without them we could not pass customs. We only missed printing our names and signing the tourist card. I didn’t have a pen so I thought I could get one from the customs guy and complete it there. But no, he wouldn’t have that. I asked him where I could get a pen and he said “Ask someone in line”. So I asked the woman who checks the forms while you are standing in line who had a couple on pens in her pocket to which she responded “I don’t have a pen”. Nice.

While I was doing this my traveling companion had finished her tourist card and was speaking to the custom guy who asked her “Are you traveling alone” she said no and tried to point me out but by that time I was at the end of the line and she couldn’t find me. With that the custom’s official started to hit on her. She couldn’t believe it!!! A bit uncomfortable since her had all her information…her home address, her name, her telephone number, where she was staying and how long she would be there.

The hotel was very nice and service was amazing. I must say I did enjoy being waited on hand and foot. And being called Mr. Aunt this and Mr. Aunt that was nice too. I’m sure my guest got sick of being called Mrs. Aunt all the time. I may be a little fancier than I had previously believed.

When we had our special events like private brunch and dinner our bartender would sing for us…and sorry to say he sucked.

I opted for a manicure and pedicure since and hour-long massage would have been a nightmare for me since I hate people touching me and I didn’t want to golf. I did get some weird looks from the spa attendants while getting my mani and pedi. And the chick doing my manicure asked why I was getting a different pedicure from my friend and I said I was getting the one that said it was for men. She said really…I didn’t know we had one for men and she would have to see it to believe it. She let me know that she’s going to check that. Yeah I get it; I’m a girly man, just shut up and do my nails.

The trip home was a bit much. If you’ve been on Holiday with me before you are more than aware that when I wake up on the day of departure I prefer to just eat breakfast and get on a plane. I really don’t like waiting around. Our check out was 11:30am and our airport transfer was at 1:00pm and the flight left at 3:45pm. We couldn’t preclear customs in Jamaica so when we landed in MIA we had to get our bags and clear US customs and security before connecting. This was no easy task as there were only two customs officials and at least one hundred people crowded together (not in line) to get through these double doors. Once again we walked from one side of the airport to another. We did go outside for a dart (AKA cigarette). The flight was late and the gate was impossibly small and we were tired and getting grouchy.

We arrived in Toronto and went through customs. My friend looked at my customs card to see what the customs officer put on there and then looked at hers and said “great I’m getting stopped again”. Supposedly she gets stopped every time she goes through Canada customs. She’s not very happy and we make our way to the luggage carousel only to her name paged….yep, they don’t have her luggage. Now not only is she being stopped by customs but she has to explain why she has no luggage. I pick up my bag and wait for her outside. She shows up around 15 mins later and she’s not happy but we’re almost home. She smokes a dart and we get in a cab and make our way home.

THINGS TO BE NOTED
I didn’t get beaten or killed.
I didn’t leave the resort.
I didn’t get messy drunk.
I didn’t embarrass myself.
I didn’t get laid.
I did drink a lot.
I did find a favorite new drink called a “Dirty Banana”.
I did get a tan.
I did float around in the pool for hours on end.
I did eat lots of food.
I did meet some fun people.
I did meet some boring people.
I did go to the beach.
I did get asked if I was married a lot.
I did get a mani and pedi.

THINGS I NOTICED
-In Jamaica women clean the men’s bathroom while the men are in the bathroom.
-Lots of Jamaicans would like to move to Canada and have a lot of family all over Canada. (one lady asked me about Jane and Finch).
-Men do whatever they want in Jamaica and women just behave.
-People in my company don’t drink a lot or I drink way too much.
-I’m prolly the most fun person at my company.
-Jamaican TV sucks hard! Every hotel should have HBO or some sort of movie network.
-American Airlines has lots of male SkyBitches (flight attendants).
-It's perfectly OK for a Jamaican man to ask a woman on the street if she'd like to "RIDE THE BIG BAMBOO" before she goes home.
-My bosses husband sure can drink.
-Locals call the Ritz Carlton the Rich Carlton.
-Wagwon means what's going on.
-Butchie's a white trash mo!