My Pitch To The Mouse
Disney's been slipping with their live-action kids' films lately. I mean, The Shaggy Dog? Again?
I've done some thinking and realized it's quite easy to follow the Disney formula; you just combine a bit of the following ingredients, throw in some burp and/or fart jokes, a "life lesson" and you're done. I've called my pitch here "Disney's Treasure Hunt." Observe...
Take two cute, funny youngsters. Siblings if possible. Twins? Even better. Not too precocious, though (I'm looking at you, Dakota Fanning). More like the young Olsens;
Now, children in a Disney movie never live with mom and dad. They must be orphans. Or orphaned within the first 15 minutes of the movie. For this one, I think they'll live with their sickly -- yet still sassy! -- Granny;
(Just to get off-topic for a sec? You would not believe the sick shit I just saw while google-imaging "granny." Jeebus.)
Back to the story. So, granny's sick and the drama is that she's about to lose the farm to the funny, not-too-scary villain of the story. This has got to be someone who can deal with all the slapsticky gags, like falling into mud and crap, who also gets stuck with a name like Cyrus Blackheart or something. Like that "Hey, Vern" guy;
Except picture him in Boss Hogg attire.
To save granny's farm, of course, the children will stumble upon some treasure map in the attic or something equally unlikely and set off on the "adventure of a lifetime." The villain will discover their plan, natch, and try to steal the treasure for himself. The girls need help. But from who??
You've only got three options here; chimp, robot, or Urkel. Either way, they gots to be wise-cracking and/or bumbling.
So, chimp and twins foil Blackheart, find the treasure, and save the day. Blackheart learns the valuable lesson of "letting sickly grannies keep their homes." Twins learn lesson of...oh, I don't know..."hard work and goodness always triumph"? Either way, it doesn't matter, 'cause that farting chimp is hilarious.
I've done some thinking and realized it's quite easy to follow the Disney formula; you just combine a bit of the following ingredients, throw in some burp and/or fart jokes, a "life lesson" and you're done. I've called my pitch here "Disney's Treasure Hunt." Observe...
Take two cute, funny youngsters. Siblings if possible. Twins? Even better. Not too precocious, though (I'm looking at you, Dakota Fanning). More like the young Olsens;
Now, children in a Disney movie never live with mom and dad. They must be orphans. Or orphaned within the first 15 minutes of the movie. For this one, I think they'll live with their sickly -- yet still sassy! -- Granny;
(Just to get off-topic for a sec? You would not believe the sick shit I just saw while google-imaging "granny." Jeebus.)
Back to the story. So, granny's sick and the drama is that she's about to lose the farm to the funny, not-too-scary villain of the story. This has got to be someone who can deal with all the slapsticky gags, like falling into mud and crap, who also gets stuck with a name like Cyrus Blackheart or something. Like that "Hey, Vern" guy;
Except picture him in Boss Hogg attire.
To save granny's farm, of course, the children will stumble upon some treasure map in the attic or something equally unlikely and set off on the "adventure of a lifetime." The villain will discover their plan, natch, and try to steal the treasure for himself. The girls need help. But from who??
You've only got three options here; chimp, robot, or Urkel. Either way, they gots to be wise-cracking and/or bumbling.
So, chimp and twins foil Blackheart, find the treasure, and save the day. Blackheart learns the valuable lesson of "letting sickly grannies keep their homes." Twins learn lesson of...oh, I don't know..."hard work and goodness always triumph"? Either way, it doesn't matter, 'cause that farting chimp is hilarious.
posted by Miss Thistle at 5:42 PM
10 Comments:
How dare you post those twins! Dirtee boy.
Girl. I'm a dirty girl.
:)
Totally the monkey!
I would do the monkey.
An astute observation.
a farting chimp is hilarious!
another is to have a dog get sick and shoot it at the end of the movie.
like Old Yeller? Great, put another generation to bed in tears.
I like when monkeys wear wigs and then rollerskate around smoking.
So when do we start shooting?
You forgot the separated-at-birth-and-then-mixed-up-pairs-of -twins like in Big Business.
Or save money and get one kid to play twins like in The Parent Trap.
Post a Comment
<< Home