Rick Mercer Is The Poo

So Funny... From Tuesday's Show

disco pants guy RM.wmv

I think this may make Jason and Mme. Rouge a bit H.

Changed the file from an avi to a wmv someone said the video didn't work.

SKINNY FAT

I know I'm gonna sound like Jason but this no smoking thing is really speeding up the GETTING FAT PROCESS. The horrible thing is I don't really like eating but since I quit smoking (which I really liked doing) I'm always eating.

I really don't want to get fat because I won't be the regular kind of fat. No it's much worse...I'll be SKINNY FAT. You know you have seen that skinny guy who's also fat. Yes, the best of both worlds scrawny everywhere 'cept for that big fat belly. It's so fucking hot. Yeah, it turns everyone on. Kinda' like a really skinny pregnant lady in her third trimester.

I guess I'll have to go back to the gym. I hate it and I have been putting it off forever but I have no choice.

I've got use to...
the jiggle when I walk somewhere quickly
the increasingly large double chin
the pants getting a little more difficult to button up.
people asking if I've been working out to which I have to rely no I'm just fat now

The revelation came today when I pushed out my belly to match the pregnant lady's belly at work...someone hit it and it jiggled. I mean my belly was pushed out with all its might but it jiggled. It's getting out of hand and has to be fixed.

What I don't like about the stupid gym it is it makes me tired and it costs money. Finally I'll have to pay a trainer 'cause I better get something out of it. But will I do it is the question (keep in mind I'm cheap and lazy).

PS Jason if you see this I want this to replace your current avatar.

BIRD: 1 JASON: 0

MITZZEE'S DRIVING?

THIS IS WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRIVE.

HMMMMMM...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

AND MY FAVORITE ONE… If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

CHEER UP!

I know a lot of you have tried various antidepressants (you know who you are). I feel for you and your self pity. Have you looked to Jesus for support? You might want to because you are in the devil's grip...he's making you sad. If you are not a religious person and are comfortable going to hell with all those Scientologists than I guess that's not the answer for you. One option that always works for people caught in depression's web is to just CHEER UP! Start today!
Turn on the sun in your soul and just CHEER UP!
It's that easy....CHEER UP!

SHOPPING

Since its way closer to B today I decided to buy a new winter jacket at lunch today. Two hours and two hundred dollars later what did I have….?
2 pairs of boxers
3 sweaters
1 dress shirt
NO JACKET.
At least it was $200.00 and not $500.00 (God bless Winners).

Speaking of Winners what in God's name were they thinking opening up on Bloor in Yorkville? Supposedly Channel and other such stores are not happy. I mean I thought FCUK, H&M, Club Monaco and The Gap (at least there's no Old Navey yet) were pushing it, but Winners? I really don’t see Holt’s losing any customers but still and all. I guess it’s OK. If Chicago’s Magnificent Mile can have Filene’s Basement and Rodeo Drive can have LeChateau (yes there is…I saw it with my own eyes) then I guess there can be a Winners in Toronto’s Yorkville. At lease they made their sign a little fancier for that store.

NO smoking Day 15.

A or B?

Here's two pictures of Yonge Street. I think we're a lot more B today than A. I need more A than B. I hate B! There's not even close to the enough A in Toronto. :(

MORE "A" PLEASE!

MMMMMM SMOKES....

Smokes are rite good
Smokes are rite nice
Smokin’ smokes is my vice.

Give’s a light
Give’s a drag
As the Brits say gimmie a fag.

If quittin’s not stupid
If quittin’s not bad
Why does quittin’ make me feel so sad?

I don’t miss the stinky fingers
I don’t miss the phlegm
I do miss the smokin’ you fils de la chien!

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

Someone actually gets off on this? http://www.carstuckgirls.com/

MY OLD FRIEND

As I was cleaning my condo on Sunday (Yes, Mme. Rouge I do clean. I’m just not good at it.) I found something….It was right between my couch and my shelving unit….it looked oh so lonely and sad…there it was…my long lost friend. A package of Vantage 5 cigarettes.

Yes, I know I should have thrown them out. I prayed there were none in the package but wished there were. Well my wish came true…there they were three sweet, caring, king size cigarettes. I put them on the coffee table and told myself all the reasons why I shouldn’t smoke ‘em. There were a lot of good reasons to not do it but there was one reason why I should spend some time with at least one of my long lost friends….BECAUSE I REALLY FUCKING WANTED ONE.

I went out onto my balcony more nervous than a hooker in church and tried my best to light it. However the wind was making it difficult. Just when I was about to give up, ready to give into my guilt the wind died down and I sparked that pleasure stick up. The guilt was gone and I thought to myself how great this is gonna be. I took my first drag…My first thought was "Oh my dear lord this is gross!". It tasted like I ass but I knew I would feel the smooth comforting wave ripple over my body as I had many times before from the first puff. I waited for about 30 seconds after exhaling and no wave of relief. However my mouth did feel like a garbage bin. The drag off that ciggy didn’t satisfy any cravings unless I was craving the feeling of failure….which I wasn’t! It was just plain nasty. So with that I had no other choice. That’s right…I took a second drag. OMG it was just as gross as the first time and still no feeling of the relaxation I had come to expect. So at this point I was happy to put it out.

I guess I’m kinda glad I smoked since it provided me with absolutely no relief, and I didn’t like it at all. I really thought it would feel sooooooo good but I didn't. I suppose it will make it easier to keep on quitting.

Well it was my time of the month this past weekend. No, not the one where my Aunt Flo visits. Aunt Flo (AKA the rust coloured torrent of life) only visits chicks. Thank god for that because as Margaret Cho says if guys had periods their apartments would look like a crime scene. The time of month I’m talking about is Grapefruit. On the second Friday of every month in Toronto there’s a great party with music from the 80s and 90s, with shows, 3 or 4 DJs, blinking lights and booze! Yaaayyyy!

I had invited a friend of mine over and before long between her and me we had invited enough people over for a little party. With a little help from a couple bottles of wine, a couple beers, some vodka and some suntan in a glass (Malibu Coconut Rum) we all had fun. I decided since my friend Brad drinks Stella he is now known as a “STELLA FELLA”. We all got just drunk enough before heading out for more at Grapefruit. We did however lose Jason on the way…I guess he saw a reflection of himself on the walk to the bar and decided he was too fat. Maybe next month? An attempt was not made to have Mme. Rouge go because as I remember LUB was too much for her a couple of weekends ago so I really don'y expect her to even walk by Fly let alone go in.

Fun was had by all (except for the girl that puked up the tequila I bought for everyone at last call).

MISSION COMPLETE

Two trips to Woody's, one trip to Crews, one trip to the Black Eagle and eight beer yeilded....no smoking of the evil weed.
I did enjoy smelling Richard's cigarettes though.

TYRA SAID

Here I am...lying in bed while on holiday enjoying a smooth cigarette and a beer. I miss smoking in bed while drinking beer on holiday :(

DAY 2. This no smoking is really not fun and still not recommended. I haven't even saved any money yet!!! I'm still down due to the purchase of the nicotine patches. Will this ever pay off?

It's still painful and not getting any better. I know it's Satan making sure of that. But I'm kinda getting use to clenching my teeth, having my mouth water and the sharp pain in my neck. What's up for debate is how well it's going for anyone around me. I imaging I'm still as pleasant as expected (I don't think much is expected) but I know it's getting worse and at some point soon people will be hearing me tell them to FUCK OFF (a lot). That won't last forever though. It will eventually change from FUCK OFF to the Judgmental Aunt glares which go over a lot worse than my typical FUCK OFF.

After work today I walked home with a co-worker who smoked on the way. It smelled FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC...I nearly came in my pants it smelled so good. What doesn't smell good is my condo that I smoked regularly in for the past six months. I guess the smoke smell will go away sooner or later with the help of open windows and Fabreeze. If it doesn't I can always start smoking again and it will go back to not smelling...at least to me.

There's a big stress tonight. I have a friend coming in from out of town and we're going out for drinks. Not so bad so far, right? Well the trick is he a French Canadian and smokes like a fiend! (Damn the French, I say, Damn them all with their cigarettes and bad jokes.) Now here's the stress... I don't like standing in bars alone (people will look and say who's that loser all by himself or even worse ugly people will hit on me because I'll look like a lonely loser) so I will be moving to the small little smoking area regularly with him so he can smoke. I'm sure I'll be fine with it (ya think?.....ummm no). But cross your fingers and hope for the best. Wish me well or FUCK OFF!

On America's Next Top Model Tyra said a lot of models smoke but they don't last long in the industry. Well if I'm to take my super model career seriously I will have to pay attention to words from the wise! It was also said that if I start to gain weight just do some coke because ALL models do that if it's needed or not.

QUITTING SMOKING (Not Recommended)

See that picture to the left? That's me living life the way it should be. Hung over after a two day drinking binge in New Orleans, and surrounded in second hand smoke along with my own. New Orleans will never be the same and I guess neither will I.

I quit smoking today and it's an absolute nightmare. I was good right up until 4:00 today...I didn't even think of it that much before then. But now I feel like a fetus in mid abortion. It's not one of the nice ones in a doctor's office either, this one's nasty and most likely being done by Satan himself in a back alley with a dirty coat hanger.

There are only two things I can think of to ease the pain 1/A cigarette or 2/Lots of drinks so I can get to the point where I say fuck it and buy a pack of cigarettes.

I have quit before....and I am aware that day two is much worse. My trick to quitting this time is taking advantage of my Scottie cheapness. I bought a four week supply of nicotine patches. That's commitment! Even though they're the store brand and they were on sale it's still four weeks worth and for a Scottish guy that's a big investment.

It's not fun and not recommended. :(